The End.

So my first year of college is almost over with. I can not believe it! It went by so fast. My first semester was probably the worst I've ever done in school in my 14 years of school. Lol. I was homesick also which is why I went home just about every weekend. I was used to being with my best friend and sister everyday that it was hard being here and not having them with me. I missed my little cousin who I was also with 3 to 4 times a week. I missed everyone. I'm not good at making friends because I usually don't approach people first. So first semester I really didn't know alot of people or go to parties or anything.

Second semester was a whole different story. I have more friends. I am doing so much better in my classes this semester then I did last semester. I go out more. I don't go home as much. It's just better over all. I still prefer to be alone sometimes. I just like to lay down and listen to music or just write how I am feeling about certain things. But that's just me. I'm looking forward to next year because my best friend will be going to school here also. I still hope to meet more people though. I'm not looking forward to retaking history and biology though. I will have tutors to help me though so that should be a plus. So this year wasn't as bad as I thought. I had my ups and downs but I overcame them. Now I'm on the right path to continuing my education and eventually getting my teacher's certificate and degree.

Reading

I hate to read. I never read unless I'm reading something I'm really interested in. I hated reading Hamlet and Heart of Darkness. I know I have to get over this though seeing as reading is something I will be doing a lot of in college. I found that out last semester when I should have read for my history and biology classes. I failed both of them. Not all because I didn't read the material, but it did have alot to do with it.

I've never liked reading though. In high school I started reading books I liked but that's it. You couldn't pay me to read a textbook. I mean I tried and tried to make myself read the stuff I didn't like, but it never seemed to work. I usually end up going to cliffnotes or just not reading at all and paying the consequences later. In high school we read our history book because we had no choice. We read them as a class together. But I wouldn't read it on my own. If I was doing a worksheet I would simply go to the index and look for it then go to the page and get the answer I needed and that's it. I'm trying to work on this whole reading thing though not because I want to but because I know it will benefit me in the future and in school.

Keiara.

So I've only known this girl and been close to her for 2 years now, but it seems like I've known her all my life! Me and her are so much alike, but also very different. I call Ms. Keiara my sister, because she is like the "little" sister I never had. She real, what can I say? I miss her because even though I see her every other weekend when I go home, it's not the same as when I was a senior in high school and I was with her everyday of the week.

Ke and I have only had one small argument. Other than that, we have never fought or argued. We get along perfect. I must admit I used to get a little mad at her sometimes because she is very forgetful and would lose some of my stuff. That didn't last long though. I don't get mad at it anymore because our friendship is more important than material items. She is the best sister, by far, that anyone could ever have. She understands me when others don't and vise versa. She graduates high school this year. I'm so excited for her. She's come a long ways and will do great things with her life. I'm praying she goes to college somewhere close to Tx State next year, but if not its okay, I'll support her in whatever decision she makes. Hopefully she'll be playing basketball since she's so good at it. I miss those basketball days with her also. We had so much fun and if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't have been as strong a player as I was. I know that she will always be my sister. She'll be in my wedding too and I'll be in hers. I love this girl. I call her my other half since we're so much alike. =)

Jean.

So I had no intentions, when I was in 2nd grade, of meeting someone and having them be in my life forever. That's what happened when I met my best friend of today in 2nd grade. It's crazy to think we've been friends that long. I never woud have thought. I have so many friends but only a couple I trust with every piece of information of my life. She is probably the craziest person, other than my sister and I, that I know. She is the total opposite of me though.

We've been through so much believe it or not. We hit an all time low in 8th grade right before she moved to California. I thought our friendship was done forever. But of course true friends make it through everything. My senior year of high school we grew apart for a few months also. But that didn't last long either. This year we had another all time low. Once again I thought our friendship was done. In the end it only made us stronger and made me realize I need to change somethings in my life. She has also changed, for the better. She is just a wonderful friend. What can I say? Sometimes we still have our disagreements or what not, but their nothing major. I know we will be friends forever. She'll be in my wedding and I'll be in hers. She's my best friend and I love her. =)

April 8, 2008.

Today I went to a program put on by the BSM, Baptist Student Ministries. They've been having these huge black signs everywhere with spray painted words such as, loneliness, anxiety, sex, divorce, and many more. So I have been very curious for some time now to see what was up with that. Tonight, I found out.

This man, I didn'y catch his name but I think he is a Baptist minister from Atlanta, came and spoke to us. He asked us what if our life right now was as good as it gets? I have never thought about that ever because I just knew my life would get better. It woke me up. He told us that even though some religions shun it, it is ok to have dreams and to want and long for something. If you don't want something such as for life to be better or to get married or anything, then your not really living life. Your stuck in a whole different world from everyone else. We can always do something better in life. He also said that if such things as drinking and sex for example, "filled" us, then we would only do it once and be done with it. He really helped me realize a whole lot. I'm happy I went and wish alot more people would have went also.

Relationships.

Relationships are so difficult to make successful. Especially for me. I've probably only been in 3 or 4 real relationships in my life. I don't do boyfriends. I have a hard time with trust. So I figure I'd rather just talk to a guy then actually make him my boyfriend. It makes things easier sometimes. Anyways, I'm doing the single thing right now cause I've had too many bad experiences with relationships so I'd rather just be alone and do me. Boyfriends are too much stress anyways.

I also think I am bipolar because one minute I'll be cussing a guy out and the next I'll be telling I'm sorry. I don't know why I do that for either. I get mad over the smallest things. But I blow them up and make them seem like a big deal. I'm generally a nice person who never gets mad at anything, For some reason though, boys just frustrate me. I'll figure it out one day. For now I just have to make it work and deal with it. I'm trying to get over it though and not do that cause then I just end up pushing guys away and I'll never find happiness if I keep doing that.

My Speech.

Today I gave my speech in Communications. I was so nervous. That's nothin new though cause I get nervous over everything! I was excited though because I got to speak on something I was actually pationate about. The hardest part was trying to actually memorize some of the information instead of looking at my notecards the whole time. I think I did good though.

I spoke on Martin Luther King Jr. who happens to be my hero. I was happy when me lab instructor told us we had to do our speech over a person. He was the first person that came to my mind. I've written about him many times before. I had the opportunity to go to his museum//gravesite in Atlanta a couple years ago. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I mean he's barried in a concrete thing that his casket is in, on top of this big circular concrete thing that is built on the water. It's kind of like a big ol lake thing. I'm bad at explaining things but it's beautiful. I think everyone should go see it once in their lifetime. He did so much for America and I was proud to be able to speak on him.

Conflict.

Tonight I went to IMPACT which is a bible study group on campus as well as a wonderful organization to be apart of. Tonight we talked about conflict and the right//godly way to handle it. It really woke me up because I do not like nor handle conflict well at all. I tend to say things I end up regretting. I mean everyone loses their cool when confronting someone or being in confrontation with someone. It's hard for us to be calm and collective when someone else is sitting there cussing you out and calling you every name in the book. You feel disrespected and our first instinct is to get back at them. So we tell them the same thing they've basically said to us except with 10 times more emotion and "fire."

I learned tonight that killing them with kindness makes people feel worse then cussing them out. I know I've had people do that to me where I'm sitting here heated yelling and screaming and they're just smiling and laughing at me. So it obviously works. Also I learned that even though I say I forgive the person, I really don't. It's hard though because I feel like I don't bother anyone or disrespect anyone so when I'm disrespected for no reason it bothers me. At the bible study they told us to think of it as what if God didn't forgive us for our sins? We'd be in bad shape then. So I have a whole new outlook on conflict and how it should be handled. I'm going to work on it but it will take awhile.

She's Supposed To Be...

So, how do you react when you find out one of your close friends, better yet, your "sister" was messing around with someone you thought of as your other "mom's" boyfriend? I mean it sounds nasty, probably because it is. This girl has been like family to me and my other "sisters". We've been close forever. I keep thinking about why she did this or how she even could do it, but I seem to not find the answers. I'm mostly mad because this woman treated me, her, and my other friend like daughters. So basically its like she messed with her own mom's boyfriend. The sad part is, she lied about it the first time my mom confronted her. I knew the truth would come out eventually though.

The sad part is, the man tried to flip the script and talk down on me and her real daughters! It didn't work though because we're smarter than that. So he's kicked to the curb, Thank the Lord!
My ex-friend lost her 5 closest female friends unfortunately and a wonderful guy she was "dating" also (not the cheating boyfriend but someone else). I felt bad for her for a while and still do. But I know she's grown and knows how to make her own choices. She has to pay the consequences. She'll be fine though. I'm praying for her.

School.

So my first year of college is almost over with. I would be sad but seeing as I have at least 4 to 5 years left, I'm actually pretty happy. I hate school but I like San Marcos. It's so much better than my little ol' town (Gonzales). My first year wasn't too bad, but it could have been so much better. The first semester was horrible. I wish I could go back because I would have done a whole lot of things differently. I can't though so I jut have to make it up througout the rest of my schooling. This semester is going good so far. Right now, it looks like I will pass all of my classes with at least a C. I just have to keep on working hard and focus for the next 6 weeks.

I'm actually thinking of transferring in 2009 to Houston. I don't know yet though because my parents like me being close to home. I hate it however. Don't get me wrong, San Marcos is cool and everything, but Houston is where I wanted to be in the first place. I tried to make my parents happy however, so I came here. There's no telling what I'll do. I have time to think about. I'm just trying to focus on school now and worry about the rest later.

Easter.

My Easter was really good. I went to church and spent the day with friends and family. I didn't eat any candy because I can't seeing as I gave it up, along with soda, for the year. It was still a good one however. First I went to church and we had our Easter program, well the young kids did. They are something else. I just knew I was going to hurt a child today. I'm Kidding. They are something else though. I don't ever remember what my pastor preached about because I had to keep telling the kids to be quiet or sit down. After that we had a fashion show while the men in our church went and hid eggs outside. That was very interesting. But it was great fun. I love them kids no matter what.

After church, my family came over to my house. I loved it because I haven't seen some of them in awhile. We ate and ate and ate. It was delicious. Then I went and hung out with some friends for awhile. It was a very fun and interesting day. I've missed alot of people I got to see today. I love holidays because they bring people closer together and what not. That's a different story though.

Spring Break.

So my spring break wasn't very interesting at all. I didn't do much. I was off all week which made me very happy but then I realized I wouldn't be getting a pay check this week which sucks. But it's okay, I have money. So yea, spending time with the fam is always a plus for me. I enjoyed hanging out with my sister everyday since we used to spend everday together for 2 years straight before I came to college. She's not my real sister but we treat each other like we are, along with her 2 younger sisters. I also got to spend time with my baby, Niyahnah. I love that little girl to death. She's my cousins daughter but I treat her like she's mine. I was there when she was born and we almost lost her. She looks so much like me and my mom says she even acts like me when I was her age. I got to spend time with her which is always a plus.

I also went to Kemah Boardwalk which is an amazing place. It was so much fun even though I didn't ride any rides. I think it's more of a family place or somewhere to spend a date. It's so much fun but can also be romantic. The view of the water is amazing. That Friday I went to my brother's track meet. I had so much fun seeing him run. I had no idea he was that fast! I mean I knew he was fast, but not like that. He got first in the 200 and the two relays he ran on (800 and 1600 meter) got first also. He's only in the 7th grade and he runs amazing times. I believe with some work he will be so much better and faster in high school that he could possibly run on the track team for a college. That's pretty much my spring break with the exception of a couple more events that took place.

History 1310.

I'm currently taking History 1310. It is very difficult, let me tell you. I actually like history but ever since I failed 1320 last semester, I've grown to dispise it. I decided to go ahead and try taking 1310 this semester then try 1320 next semester or when I'm ready. So I actually am happy I took 1310 because it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Alot of it has to do with my teacher, Dr. Mann. He is awesome. We have some easy quizzes that are supposed to help boost out test grades which aren't always pretty. He's also a very good teacher and knows his stuff. He tries to make it interesting but talking about kings and queens and all that early history stuff is pretty boring if you ask me.

A couple of weeks ago we had our first test. I was stressing big time because I thought it was going to be like my tests in 1320. I also knew I hadn't studied well at all because I was having other problems that I let distract me from studying. So the test was really hard and I just knew I failed. This past Wednesday we got our tests back. I was scared to even look at it. I opened it and saw a 62. I know to some people that's not very good. But seeing as it was almost 20 points higher than my first test score in 1320 last semester, it was pretty exciting. Our teacher being so generous, told us he would add 10 points to that score, which would leave me with a 72. Hey, it's passing. I'm definitely going to try harder on my next tests because I figure if I can make that without much studying, then I should do pretty good when I actually do study. I definitely need to pass this class.

February 29th.

So my high schools boys basketball team made it to the regional tournament once again this year in kingsville. I was so excited because I knew how good they were and they deserved to be there. I was mostly happy because I would be able to see my cousin play again and he's a senior so I didn't know if it would be his last game or not. The game started and I was all into it. It was a very exciting game. My cousin played so hard and some of his teammates didn't. They ended up losing by four points. It's not that the team was better, they just had one big guy that none of our players could match up to. The ref's didn't help much and the lack of some of the players not playing to their potential also contributed

It was tough sitting there watching all of this happen because it's like the boys didn't see it and the refs didn't either. We definitely deserved to win. We were better over all than the other team. The part that hurt the most was knowing it would be the last time I would see my cousin play high school basketball. I enjoyed going to the games and cheering him on and letting everyone know he was my "kinfolk." I cried. But I know it's not the end of his career. He's too good. I love my kinfolk. =)

Hookah!

Last night, I tried the whole Hookah thing. It was quite interesting and different since I don't smoke or anything and haven't really ever in my life. I actually liked it though. I mean it's not something I would do often or all the time, but it was definitely worth the try. We (me and my best friend) had the strawberry kind. The other four girls we went with had vanilla and then a mixture of kinds which were very good also. They do this all the time or have done it before. My best friend and I were new to it however. It was great fun though.

Besides doing the Hookah, we had so much fun. We laughed and talked and basically "acted a fool" in the Hookah place, Shisha's! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. They were so funny and goofy, very different from the people I'm used to hanging out with. I think we were the loudest ones in the place. Everyone kept looking at us and what not. It was great fun though and I can't wait to do it again, the hangin' part, not the hookah part. =)

I Love You?

I Love You. These words are said by so many, but what do they really mean? So many people say them without meaning it. It just sounds good or sounds like the right thing to say to some people. So many people are scared to tell the truth about how they feel. They feel that if their partner says it to them, then it's only right to say it back whether they mean it or not. I used to be one of these people. I've honestly only been in love and loved someone hard once. I knew it was real because I put up with so much because of him. He had my heart and wouldn't give it back. And then when he wanted to give it back, I didn't want to take it back because I just knew we would get back together eventually. I have my heart back now.

My boyfriend now I love to death. I've known him for three years. We haven't been together but a couple months though. Some might say I'm just saying the words without really feeling it. They don't know what we've been through these last couple of months. Even though it's a long distance relationship, I honestly feel it will work. He is amazing. He's put up with me constantly accusing him of cheating and me just talking crazy to him all the time. He tells me I'm evil because I get mad over every little thing. He's still here though, so I know he cares. He makes me feel amazing. Like I'm the best girl in the world. Like I'm the only girl in his world besides his mother and family of course. I'm always happy when I am with him and when I'm not, he still treats me the same, unlike my first love. He's changed so much for me. I trust him and am trying to change for him also, which is something I never do and never tried to do before. At first I wondered if it was real and I thought I was just saying the words without feeling them, but now I know it's real. I couldn't imagine my life without him at all. I hope we make it and I will do everything in my power to make sure it works. I know he will do the same also. He currently has my heart, whether he knows it or not.

Lessons Learned.

I sometimes try and figure out why do people make mistakes in life? I mean, they make the mistakes, say I'm sorry, and then say they "regret" what they did. Why do we regret something if it's what we wanted at that particular point in our life? Yes, it hurt someone, and you feel bad about it and say how you wish you would have never done it and so on, yet when you did it, you were happy, not thinking about the consequences. I've done this and been through it so many times in life, I lost count. Recently, however, I messed up big time. I almost lost two very important people in my life over something that was non-important to me.

My friend was talking to this guy who she really liked. I somehow begin to talk to him on the phone and telling him how much I liked him. I mean, he did the same thing and provoked a lot of it and even told me all I had to do was tell him I wanted to be with him and he would leave my friend alone. I couldn't bring myself to do this. I already felt bad for talking to him behind her back so I definitely couldn't do that. Plus, I'm not that type of person. I didn't want him that bad. This guy was also my current boyfriend's close friend. My boyfriend and I broke up for a couple weeks and thats when all of this happened. When I finally told my best friend and boyfriend about this, they both blew up on me and I just didn't know what to do. I knew it was the end. My boyfriend forgave me first. He's a very forgiving person. My best friend, however, was really hurt and felt betrayed, which I don't blame her at all. Finally after a few days of me begging and my boyfriend talking to her, we finally spoke and talked about it. Everythings back to normal now, but it still kills me inside knowing how bad I messed up. I know I will never do this again because I don't want to risk losing those I love for something I don't.

Growing Up...To Fast.

Is it a bad thing to grow up "to fast"? I think it is. Some people have no choice due to circumstaces such as an unstable and one parent homes. I mean they have to help out at the house and everything. I know a few people like this. It's actually sad because you can see how it affects their lives. A lot of them didn't have a childhood and some of them have kids of their own already. They never knew what it was like to be a child or teenager because they always had to be at home watching their younger siblings or going to work. I couldn't imagine not having gotten to live my life to the fullest and experience things as a child and teenager that have helped me develop today and appreciate when I was younger.

I don't know what it's like to grow up too fast. I mean as a child I participated in sports and things I wanted to do. My parents never forced me to do something I didn't like or want to do. They let me be a child. As a teenager, things didn't really change at all. I had a few more responsibilities but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I still got to do the teenager thing. When I got to high school I had a few more options and priviledges than I did when I was in junior high. I got to go out more and experience life more. I did have curfew and everything though. My parent's were very strict. But I am so appreciative of it today. It's helped me appreciate my life more and just being on my own. I know how to be a responsible adult. Now that I am grown I can live my life as a responsible young adult. I'm still learning things and I'm still making mistakes, but that's just part of being human. We learn and move on. (and try not to make the same mistake twice).

I Lost It.

Last night, I went to the movies with my best friend. I was having so much fun. We went to see the new Step Up movie. Of course like all dance movies, the dancing was the best part. But it wasn't too bad of a movie anyways. We got there like fifteen minutes late. To our surprise, the man let us in for free. So after the movie, we went to eat at Ihop. I was so excited because I had been wanting some pancakes so bad. Why? I have no idea, but I did. So I'm all hyper and what not, ready to eat and everything. Now its time to pay. I went into my purse and was shocked when my wallet wasn't there. I begin to panic. I looked in the car and everything. It was no where to be found.

My best friend paid for my food which was nice even though we always help each other out anyways. So after that we went back to the movie theater and looked in the parking lot since the inside was closed already. Nothing. So I went back to my dorm room and turned it inside out looking for that wallet. Nothing. I called and cancelled my credit card and everything and I just prayed that when I went the next morning to the theater to ask if they had it, it was there. I rushed to theater this morning and asked if they had found a wallet. He pulled out one, that wasn't it. My heart dropped. To my surprise, he pulled out the next one. That was it. I was so happy. I don't think I've been happier in my life. That wallet was too cute to lose. Lol. They took my money but everything else was there. I didn't even care about my twenty dollars. I was just happy to see my wallet.

Changes.

So my life hasn't been to great as of late. This year I was supposed to make some major changes from doing better in school, to eating better, working out, to making better decisions about the guys I choose to talk to, and just trying to make something positive happen. I've been struggling and haven't stuck to it much at all. School is so hard. I hate to study but I'm trying. I could be doing better about staying on top of my classes and everything though. I'm working on it though. Hopefully I'll see some improvements in my classes. As for eating right and working out, thats a different story. I gave up sodas and candy for new years. I made it till now which is better than last year. I work out twice a week because of my P.E. class, but I'm working on making a better effort to go to the rec and what not. As for the boys part, I'm doing good. I have a wonderful boyfriend in my life for now. He doesn't live here which is definately hard on both of us. But from what I can tell we're both determined to make it work. And if it doesn't, it's fine. I've suffered worse heartaches. You'll know though cause I'll probably write about it.

It's hard trying to change things in your life especially when your used to how things are. You become complacent with where your life is and think that it can't be better. I was like that for a long time. Why I'm just realizing I need to make some changes, I have no idea. I'm happy I finally came to my senses though. These changes will help me out tremendously and will make me so much happier. If they don't work out, then I'll just keep trying until i get positive results. I'm a determined person and am willing to sacrifice myself and people to get there. Sometimes, as I've learned the hard way, that you have to let people in your life go that don't want to be there no matter how bad you want to keep them there in order to make something good happen. So I'm excited to see the outcome of these changes. I'll keep you posted.

2007.

The year 2007 was definately one to remember. So much happened in my life, both good and bad. My basketball season was definately one to remember. It was the best season ever and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I graduated from my high school with a 3.7 GPA. I guess just graduating period would have to be wonderful. I miss all my friends and everything but I wanted to get out so bad. I miss basketball mostly. I attended FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) camp in early June. It was so much fun and just a life changing experience. I met so many wonderful people. I moved to San Marcos and now attend Texas State. I love it here. I hated it at first but now it's good. I have so many great memories but I can't recall them all right now. But those were just some of the great ones.

The worst part of the year was losing 4 people that I knew and loved all within a 2 month span. First my classmate who was also my friend along with her boyfriend, who i grew up with and adored, died in a car accident on July 10th. It was devastating to our community and hit our town hard. It killed me and hurt so bad. I couldn't believe it at all. On August 7th, my friend who was just 11 years old and attended my church, died of diabetic complications. I loved this girl dearly and would often help her with problems she was having in school. She would always come into H.E.B where I worked and give me a big ol' hug. It's so hard going to church now and not seeing her smiling face and seeing her little brother but not her. On August 27th, I lost my great uncle. He died of natural causes. I loved him also even though he would upset me sometimes because he would tell my parents stuff he heard that wasn't true and get me in trouble. But he's family and was a very religious man. Now that I'm older, I know he was just looking out for me becuase he didn't want me to end up like some of the people in my family and our town. He was a great man and I miss him also. It took me a long time to understand why all of this happened. But I know now that God had other plans for them. They're in heaven where they're safe from harm. I can't wait to see them all again one day.

Basketball.

I love basketball and I think it's the greatest sport on earth. Even though I'm not very good at I try. But I know I'm not to bad, I just need some work. I've always loved it, but through out my junior high and high school years, my love for it grew even more. In junior high, I just played it for fun and what not. When I got in high school, I learned there was much more to it. I was and still am really weak. I didn't play rough and I was just too nice. I love to shoot from the outside but not much of an inside//post person. I did get better though. Much much much better.

My senior year is when I really started to work on and improve my game. I ran cross country just to get better. It helped so much. I was in much better shape when basketball season rolled around and I was determined to be of importance to my team. I ended being one of the best three point shooters on our team. I helped take us to the regional semi-final game where we lost to a team that ended up making it to the state final game. It was the best team I had ever been on since I started playing basketball. I had never had so much fun in basketball ever and my team was just great. I miss them so much and wish I could go back and do it all over again.

Adjusting.

Growing up, I always dreamed of going to college and couldn't wait for the day I moved into the dorms and started my college experience. Now that I'm here, I wish I could go back to high school and am missing it dearly. I knew college would be different from high school and I was just so sure that I would adjust perfectly. Boy was I wrong. The first couple weeks of class proved to me that my high school no where near prepared me for this.

It seems like all college is, is notes, notes, notes, and test. There isn't too much homework to turn in and if there is it doesn't count for much. The reading is actually the hardest part for me seeing as I hate to read. I get bored extremely fast and tend to also get distracted easily. I try and study for all these classes but I'm having a difficult time doing that also. Last semester was a prime example of that for me. Knowing I did so horrible makes me strive to find a way to do better this semester. I know it's going to be hard, but I need to do better. I have no choice. I'm trying to better myself and the only way to do that is with an education and degree.